There was a cartoon that went viral (Am I using that correctly? I want to say it circulated around the internet a lot) It showed a young woman in a head scarf, or a hijab. As the illustration was leading us to believe this was a Muslim woman, we are going to use hijab. Anyway, the woman was on a bus cowering as a large man was in front of her shouting racial slurs in her face. Even thought it was a cartoon it was unnerving- as was its purpose.
In the proceeding frames we see another woman get up and move to a seat next to the woman being attacked and speaking to her, taking her attention away from the man. The point of the cartoon was to illustrate how a bystander can diffuse a situation like this by approaching the person being targeted and engaging them in conversation to comfort them and to make them, distract them, make them feel they are not alone, and to disorient the attacker, and it worked, according to the cartoon. The would be assailant relented as his taunts and shouting did not get the reaction he was counting on. HOORAY FOR THE SUPERHERO’LIKE INTERVENTIONIST!
I find this, however, way too easy and convenient.
Don’t get me wrong. I think people who step in and help should be applauded. This cartoon Wonder Women represented many who insert themselves in harms way to defend someone who cannot defend themselves. This is not what I take issue with.
“Well, if you really want to look like that?” She sneered at her 7 year old daughter with a scoff and an eye roll. “I mean, we’re going to be in town shopping and everyone’s going to see you like that.” With this new dig she gave me a ‘come on don’t you agree look’. Disturbed, I looked at her daughter, who was scared and hunched over bracing for another attack, “I think you look beautiful.” I think that helped a little, at least the the child seemed somewhat comforted, the mother however was not happy with me.
Another mother brags about how her children already know that Wal-Mart is “low rent” and only scary people go there. Another time, when I was in the car with them, she pointed out large houses to her young son and told him only rich people live there and we hate rich people. They laughed together- I cringed.
“Let’s all get together and talk about what a great time we had and how she missed out.” Was another woman’s plan to single out a friend who didn’t go on a trip the rest of them took together. That’s right. A bunch of them took a girls trip and one of their friends didn’t go so this women’s response was, let’s gang up on her and make sure she feels bad.
I could go on with many more examples, but you get the jist, and my point is that this is what I take issue with. Bullies and Mean Girls don’t know that they are Bullies and Mean Girls. They don’t think they are attacking someone, they think they are showing how someone else is wrong or are protecting themselves against the other persons behavior they fell is a threat.
The little girl who’s mother was more concerned with what strangers thought of superficial appearances than the fact that her daughter was proud she got ready all by herself. This is a threat to her as she feels insecure about what people think of her appearance.
The mother condemning Wal-Mart as well as rich people to her child. The threat being, people in a lower or much higher income bracket are not like me, so let’s put them down.
The friend who didn’t go on the girls trip was a threat to the women organizing the ganging up on her. She feels people who don’t fall in line with what she wants as a threat.
The man on the bus, the same. This person is not like me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They are a threat.
You’re not like me. You do not live the way I live. You do not look the way I look, or have a look that makes me feel comfortable. You practice a different religion. You are not afraid of what I am afraid of. You do not want to participate in what I want to participate in. Anything that isn’t like me or I don’t understand is seen as a threat and I must extinguish all threats.
And that is the real problem. We have an image of Bullies and Mean Girls as a boys from a trailer park with cut off sleeves and Mean Girls from movies like Heathers or, well, Mean Girls. We do not address where it a lot of it really comes from. The little moments sprinkled throughout our growing up like the above examples.
We must address the individual behaviors that we feel threatens us and learn what it is about ourselves why we feel threatened and learn to extinguish this impulse in ourselves instead of using others as a target.
Electrik Warrior 